Kimochi Warui
by HalberdGenesis
Summary: In the quiet aftermath of Instrumentality, Shinji and Asuka make their way through the ruins of Tokyo-III. As long as the sun, the moon, and the earth exist...perhaps everything will be okay. Self-Harm trigger warning.
1. In Sickness

"I feel sick". Barely a whisper.

The two children lay parallel to one another, supine, motionless. Numb. Then, slowly, the world began to come into focus, sensory detail fading in like an image on a polaroid photograph. The sand. The red-tinted sky. The gentle thunder of the waves of LCL licking at the shore. Time did not move, and neither did Shinji. Asuka was alive. No thanks to him, of course. But she was alive. It seemed strange to him that he was not overcome with guilt, immobilized with the salient, visceral shame that had left him broken beneath a metal staircase. Because of that guilt, Misato died. Asuka too. He could admit that to himself, he noted. It didn't hurt anymore. Or maybe he just couldn't feel it anymore. Gently, Shinji rose to his feet. Asuka, noticing his movement, sat up gingerly. Not looking at one another, they watched the horizon, knowing they had all the time in the world.

After an hour, Asuka spoke again. "I'm going home." She waited for a response.

"Me too."

They did not talk at all during their walk to Misato's apartment. The cold blood scent of the beach had begun to fade by the time they arrived at the complex. It was still standing, but not by much. The top three stories littered the street in the form of blocks of concrete and twisted rebar. Shinji walked towards the front entryway, but before he could reach it, the glass shattered and the double doors swung open. A wave of orange liquid hit the two children with the force of a shotgun blast. When it was over, Shinji lay on his hands and knees, hacking and coughing at the all-too-familiar scent of LCL burning his nose and throat. Then, the liquid receded to about their ankles, and all was quiet again.

Shinji looked behind him, at Asuka. She was sitting in the LCL, crying softly.

"My mother's in here."

"What?"

"Not my real mother. Not Mama. But…Oh, god…Ritsuko...Toji..."

Holding back tears, she let the LCL leak through her fingers. It was thicker than water. Thicker than oil. Blood. That was perfect, in a way. The Third Child waited, his face neutral. Asuka stood up. The LCL was cold, and the passing wind caused her to shiver.

"Let's get inside".

The electricity was out, unsurprisingly. The LCL continued to flow out of the buildings in the surrounding block as more windows in more buildings burst from the built-up pressure, eventually flooding the street, but it didn't matter. The children could breathe while they were submerged in the liquid through processes the NERV scientists and technicians had never bothered to explain. At about the third floor, they breached the surface. As soon as his feet thudded against the staircase, muscle memory took over and he was standing at the door to Misato's apartment. Gently, he opened the door.

"I'm home", he whispered, fighting back tears.

The sun had set, but the LCL, the moon, and the head of Lilith lying despondent in the Red Sea seemed to produce their own light. The apartment was dark, but it was warm, so, without a word, the two children made their beds and went to sleep.


	2. And In Health

Shinji was unnaturally cold. Shivering, he curled tighter, feeling the weight of the comforter settling onto his body. He felt like he was falling backwards towards something terrible that he could not see. The room drew back, getting farther and farther away from him until he was alone in a void. The air thickened. He couldn't move.

He realized that he was sitting in the entry plug, the stale-blood smell of LCL gagging him. The space around him flashed brilliant colors, and he could feel his sync rate climbing. With it came a melting sensation, expanding, until he was no longer Shinji Ikari, but Eva Unit 01. The cold was unbearable now. It bit at his skin, into his shoulders, his neck. There was no escaping it. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. His ego barrier had collapsed and now he was everything and nothing.

 _Someone_ , he thought, _someone, please help me!_

Then, instantly, it was over. He awoke with a jolt, shivering.

He was in the bathroom. He looked up to see the mirror shattered, thousands of tiny cracks radiating from a single point towards the center. Then, his hand began to sting. He watched, inarticulate, as tiny spurts of carmine blood rose slowly to take the place of the torn skin on his knuckles.

The dairy stuff's probably still good, she thought to herself, but we're gonna have to eat it quickly. She pulled the door of the fridge open and marveled at the array of microwave dinners Misato had stockpiled over the years. Still, the electricity was out, and that included the microwave. So the search continued. The beer in the fridge was still cold. Asuka weighed her options.

Half a can in, she was regretting the decision. The beer tasted like blood, and she didn't feel any different. Remembering her first night living with Misato, she took a deep breath and chugged the remaining half, holding the can vertically until it was weightless in her hands. It burned. Tears formed in her eyes, and she let out a long, loud sigh. Suddenly becoming aware of a beautiful stillness, Asuka relaxed. The worst was over. She felt good.

By the third can, Asuka decided she was sufficiently blitzed. She managed to stand up and stumble towards the couch, when she heard another crack, this one much closer. Leaning on the wall, she walked into the bathroom and saw Shinji standing motionless in front of the bathroom sink.  
"Hey…", she mumbled. Shinji didn't respond.

"Hey, First!", she said, louder. The words felt loose, liquid, in her mouth.

"Firsssssst, look at me", she hissed, drawing out the "s" in an effort to avoid lisping.

He wiped his hand across his brow, like he was getting rid of sweat in his eyes. Then he turned to look at her, and there was blood smeared across his face.

"You gotta wash that shit off your face, Shinji, you look like…"

She shook her head, fighting off a weak urge to burst into laughter.

"Go to bed," she said, and she grabbed his arm, squeezed hard, and pulled him into his room.

"Don't come out till you get like eight...eight different hours 'cause that's like the recommended time for...y'know?", she explained as she closed the door.

She crashed on the couch, briefly noting that she had blood on her hand and that Shinji was the Third Child before drifting off to sleep.

Old habits, he thought. He pulled the comforter up to his chin and rolled onto his side so that he was facing the door. There was no First Child anymore. No Second or Third either.

"You did a good thing today, Shinji."

No I didn't. I've never done a good thing in my life.

"You should be proud of yourself"

Shut up.

"As long as the Sun, the Moon, and the Earth exist…"

Shut up.

"Perhaps everything…"

Shut up!

"Perhaps…"

What the hell do you know?

"Everything will be all right."

My story's over already.


	3. Till Death do We Part

"Shinji."

Why was she in here? With me...

"Yeah?"

"The Wall of Jericho fell."

Is she still drunk?

"What?"

"Remember when I called the door to my room 'The Impenetrable Wall of Jericho?"

I moved to rub my eyes, but every muscle in my body ached, and I went limp again.

"Yeah, vaguely. Why?"

"The Wall of Jericho fell."

My thoughts were sluggish, like the synapses in my brain were blocked by cold syrup.

"...Your door's broken?"

"No, Shinji. I was making a literary allusion. In the Bible, the Israelites destroyed the wall protecting the city of Jericho by screaming at it."

"...You were-"

"Daring you to try something. Inviting you in. I dunno."

I rolled onto my side. Asuka had brought her mattress into my room, and she lay staring at the ceiling.

"You're a coward", she said.

"Yeah."

She smiled. "That's not true. That's something I realized with Instrumentality."

I was silent. She continued. "You've done cowardly things, therefore you are a coward. That's how you figured things work, right?"

"...Yeah, of course. If you do something bad, you're a bad person. That's...I mean, how is that wrong?"

"Your semen was cold."

Every muscle in my body contracted. My shame was physical, mental, transcen-fucking-dental. It hit like a tidal wave until I wanted to vomit, wanted to rip every one of my teeth out, wanted to dive into an ocean of broken glass, wanted to hurt, hurt, hurt, _hurt_.

"I'm sorry."

"You should be."

"I am."

"You are. I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you yet, but…"  
I held my breath, tears streaking down my face.

"...I saw what you did to yourself, to the entire world because of it, and it made me wonder if you hated yourself more than I hated you."

"That's not possible."

"How do you know?"

"I…"

She sat up.

"The truth is, I'm willing to start over, clean slate. That's what this is. A second chance, for everyone. And that means you."

"Asuka...Why…?" I choked out.

"Because you aren't a bad person, Shinji."

"Yes, I am! I killed people! Good people! I started the Third Impact, I let those mass-production Evas kill you! Misato and Kaworu and Toji and _everyone,_ they died because of _me!_ "

"Shinji, you were set up. Your father put you in that position. He drilled the idea that you were worthless into your mind until you became his little doll he could order around. You might have pulled the trigger, but he was the one aiming the gun."

"He didn't make me...do what I did to you."

"No. He didn't." She stood up. The moon cast a strip of light across her face. "You did a bad thing, Shinji. A monstrous thing. But that doesn't make you a monster."

She knelt down next to the bed and rested her head on the mattress. Her face was inches away from mine.

"You're fourteen years old, Shinji. There's always a chance to turn around. To become a good person. Human beings are not set in stone. No one can decide who you're going to become except you."

I buried my face into my pillow and tried in vain to hold back my tears. Asuka watched me, and for a long time, we were silent, except for my muffled sobs. Soon, even that sound fell away, and everything was quiet again.

I took in a ragged breath, let out a puff of air that could have been a laugh. "When did you get so freaking enlightened?"

Asuka smiled. "I'll be at the door. Those can be your first steps."

When she was gone, I angled my head and looked out the window. The moon looked smaller now. Its light felt a little warmer.

She was waiting for me at the door, with my SDAT player and headphones in hand. She placed one in my left ear, and one in her right. She held out her hand, and I took it.

"Pick a song," she said.

I smiled at her, hoping she could read the _thank you_ in my expression, and clicked the PLAY button.

It was an orchestral ballad called Toki no Kawa wo Koete. It began with a slow, gentle piano piece. Asuka stepped closer to me. I took a step back. She took a step back. I took a step forward. It became a dance. Slowly, the gap between us closed. The piano gave way to the rest of the orchestra, cellos and violins and an electric guitar building in strength and volume. Something in my core became iron.

Our shadows danced across the floor. The silvery light of the moon landed on Asuka's face, lit her blue eyes. The music built to another crescendo. She rested her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. I could feel her heartbeat against my chest.

And for the first time...I could feel mine.

"Don't be afraid, Shinji", she whispered.


End file.
